Disclaimer: This product description has been provided for entertainment purposes only. It has not been approved by the FDA and is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition.
As you may have guessed, the health blog challenge thingie (you know, the one I claimed to be able to write from memory just recently) wants me to create a spoof cure for my condition. The prompt in its entirety:
Miracle Cure. Write a news-style article on a miracle cure. What’s the cure? How do you get the cure? Be sure to include a disclaimer
So, disclaimer handled.
Since experiencing the mixed joys of menstruation, the human race has been searching for methods of menstrual pain relief. For some people, like those with endometriosis, standard remedies like heating pads, Midol, or hormonal birth control do not sufficiently alleviate the pain. Many such patients end up in a constant back-and-forth with health care providers, experimenting with various pain management medications and procedures, struggling to find one that works for them. This is especially problematic for people who are un- or under-insured, who live in rural areas, or who otherwise lack access to appropriate health care providers.
Fortunately, now there’s a new home remedy: the Grapefruit Spoon Self Hysterectomy Kit. In addition to the grapefruit spoon — sealed for sanitary protection, of course — the kit includes a speculum, gloves, stirrups, and an intricate series of mirrors for excellent visibility from all angles. For those with reach or mobility issues, there is an adjustable handle extension for the spoon. The instructions offer the option of using the kit alongside or after a shot of whiskey; however, due to age restrictions, that is sold separately. Additionally, the manufacturer assumes no liability for attempting to remove one’s uterus while under the influence on alcohol — no matter how good the idea seems at the time.
Hysterectomy is not right for everyone, the manufacturers are quick to note. And as such, gouging out one’s uterus with a grapefruit spoon is not a decision that should be taken lightly. Expected side effects include pain during recovery as well as permanent loss of fertility. For best results at reducing endometriosis symptoms, the ovaries must also be removed, which both results in inducing menopause and is notoriously tricky to manage with common household silverware.
This does not mean that the Grapefruit Spoon Self Hysterectomy Kit doesn’t have its place among menstrual remedies. As their product spokesperson was quick to note, sometimes it’s worth keeping on the shelf “just so your uterus knows you’re not kidding around.”