Enough Books

Three of my colleagues are planning our units for the year, discussing which books we’d like to teach. We decide we’d all like to teach The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian — because it is the only book in our book room that’s engaging for our reluctant ninth grade readers — for our novel unit. Only there are only about 40 copies of it in said book room. Not enough for each of us to even check out a class set at the same — or overlapping — times, let alone enough for us to check out books to each of our students. You know, in case they want to — or in case we’d like to assign them to — read at home.

Our immediate next step is to brainstorm additional sources of books and or book-buying dollars. This does not faze us. We instinctively know that our district’s actual education budget is a no-go. This does not faze us. We consider local business donations, small education grants, crowdsourcing websites of various sorts. It’s a good list, even if it’s not one we’d like to spend our time making.

We start to wind down the conversation, feeling accomplished. We have a plan.

One teacher looks skeptical. He does the math. “Even if we each do all of the options, we’re only probably going to get enough books for four class sets. We still won’t have enough for the kids to take home.”

The rest of us laugh. We can’t help it.

“Never in nine years,” a second teacher explains, “have I taught where I’ve had enough books for the kids to take home.”

It’s sad because it’s true.

Teacher Secrets 19

Yes, I confiscated your phone just because you were using it to play Justin Bieber.

Teacher Secrets… 18?

The number doesn’t matter since this is not so much a secret as it is a bit of practical advice:

I recommend you stop making out with your boyfriend (or anyone, really) on the far sides of outward-swinging doors.

Teacher Secrets… The Next One

Too many times, teachers are reminded that they are professionals with professional obligations. This is true, but a lot of us are expected to hold up our end of the professional bargain without being treated as professionals (in terms of salary, working conditions, respect) in return.

Teacher Secrets 16

Technically reposted from my Facebook status but too funny — at least in my warped “isn’t it fucking Friday yet?” mindset — to skip.

Dear Students,

That staple means there are TWO PAGES to your test.

Sincerely,
Common Sense

Teacher Secrets 15

Sometimes, we do decide your fate my flipping a coin.

T.P.

(Also known as Teacher Secrets 14 and Shit I Wish I Could Say at School.)

To whom it may concern:

Seriously? You thought the best possible place to throw up your gang tag was on a roll of toilet paper in the girls bathroom?

You do realize that roll will disappear, right? In about a day or two.

But please tell me, what was it about the thin paper people use to wipe their asses that made you say, “Hells, yes! I will make my mark on that!”

Here’s hoping it was someone’s worthy attempt at satire!
– Me

Teacher Secrets 13

Dear Students,

This is my eighth year teaching.

That means I have been back in high school (not counting my original time there or my student teaching times) for eight consecutive years.

What on Earth makes you think you’re looking forward to semester break more than I am?

Teacher Secrets 12

Sometimes I listen to you complain because I really want to understand what’s bothering you.

Sometimes I listen to you complain because it’s easier than trying to interrupt.

Teacher Secrets 11

Cinderella image from Project Gutenberg via Wikimedia Commons. This image is public domain in the United States.

Dear parents, administrators, school board members, and the community at large:

I know you would like to see “teaching magic.”

But what you think of as “magic” is always, ALWAYS either:

• Working through a series of meaningfully arranged yet decidedly mundane and non-magical steps. You may have heard these referred to as “classwork” and “lessons.”
• A cheap trick.

The first is unimpressive in the case of a single observation, but it gets results. The second looks flashier but is effectively smoke and mirrors.

You have to decide which one you really want.

I’ll be waiting over here and grading papers,
Me

Teacher Secrets 10

I recognize that for some of you, I am not your first best chance at a high school education: I am your last.

And I take that very seriously.

Teacher Secrets 9

I am walking away from you because I’m supposed to look serious.

But I’m trying not to smile.

Teacher Secrets 8

Getting out of the work is more work than is doing the work.

You will understand this some day.

Possibly in summer school.

Teacher Secrets 7

You notice when I do or don’t wear mascara, even if it’s not a lot.

Why can’t you notice when I
post
announce
remind
repost
the homework?

Teacher Secrets 6

Today I watched you break your mother’s heart.

Teacher Secrets 5

Yes, I take late work. Sometimes I even “forget” to reduce credit for it.

The ideal is that you submit fabulous work on time, yes. But — when the options in reality are late versus never — I would rather teach you to turn in work late versus not at all.

Thoughts on a Chakra: Manipura

Confession: As a teacher, I fear parent-teacher conferences more now than I did as a student. To be fair, I’ve spoken with a lot of parents who feel similarly. Because when a teacher or parent requests a conference, something has usually already gone wrong. I’m not a fan of confrontation in general, and I worry that a conference will become a confrontation — and that I’m ill-equipped to confront.

Though this is starting to change, I’m still of an age where I’m mostly younger than the parents of my students. And regardless of absolute ages, parents of high school students still have more years of parenting experience than I do of teaching experience. I worry that parents will use my relative lack of years as a way to dismiss my voice and my concerns. Moreover, I worry that counselors, case managers, and administrators will respond to that dismissal by siding against me — though the latter has never actually happened.

With every conference, I’m gearing up for a worst-case scenario. Even if one hasn’t happened yet (for the most part), that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen next.

This is maybe why I spent some time today in asanas to activate manipura, the solar plexus or navel chakra, which purportedly governs our will and assertiveness — qualities I definitely think I need when it comes to all the parent conferences we have lined up this week and next.

I’m not sure what it is about these meetings that make me want to fortify my willpower. Maybe I’m afraid a parent is going to enter the room looking for a way to blame events on various teachers (something I’ve witnessed only rarely). Maybe I’m afraid that a student is going to tell a wildly different story than what I know to be true, and the student’s untruth (or at least very biased truth) will be believed. (It has happened to me before in non-teaching contexts. It’s not so far-fetched in my mind.) And maybe I’m afraid that despite the best and kindest intentions of everyone involved, something in the meeting will reveal my teaching to be complete and utter shit — or at least, something that is incompatibly failing with a given student.

That, I think, would be the worst: recognizing that I’m in the wrong but too afraid of change to change it.

It’s probably no surprise that manipura is correlated both to ideas like “gut feelings” (knowing that a particular act is one’s will, regardless of the ability to explain why) and “guts” (the courage to carry out one’s will). It’s certainly no surprise to me that I routinely require extra cultivation of both.

So I hung out with abdominal work today — particularly a lot of supine core work, which lets me concentrate on how my abs are working instead of how my shoulders or wrists or feet feel. I lay back with it, quite literally, until it was intense hard word — and then I stuck with it just a bit more.

And may the Flying Spaghetti Monster smite me with his ladle of marinara if he did not inspire me to this adulteration of the serenity prayer:

[Insert deity, higher power, positive human attribute, or awesome superhero] grant me
the courage to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can, and
the courage to admit the difference.

Because for me, those actions all stem from the same place.

Teacher Secrets 4

When you say, “I forgot it at home, but it’s finished, I swear!”

I do realize that sometimes it is a lie.

But the answer is, “Bring it tomorrow,” either way.

So why fight?

Teacher Secrets 3

Sometimes I call home the day before the paper is due so that I don’t have to call home the day after.

Teacher Secrets

Yes, I will always give you an extension so you can revise your essay.

Because grading good writing is easier than grading bad writing.