Zoe & Anna Kick Ass & Take Names

Or, “Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese,” the finale. This is part 9 in a 9 part series. The previous episodes may be found here:

• Part 5, which contains links to Parts 1-4
• Part 6
• Part 7
• Part 8

This will be the last part of Anna and Zoe’s adventures with Earl. But my summer plans include giving them a second adventure. Nemesis suggestions?

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Anna: So that’s why you’re vegetarian, because of wasted blood? Wouldn’t that make you, I don’t know, more likely to want to drink blood, so that you could put it to good use? I don’t get it.

Earl: I shouldn’t have done that.

Zoe: To your dead pigs? I doubt they’re going to haunt you from the afterlife, if it’s any consolation.

Earl: Seeing them all at once… a hundred dead anything can be overwhelming. And it made me realize. They trusted me, and I took care of them. I hold myself responsible for their deaths.

Zoe: You did what you’d always intended to do, yes? Or did you think you’d stay in business as a hog farmer without selling any hogs?

Earl: I killed them for my own selfish reasons; that doesn’t make it any better. Bacon bits, all of them!

(Earl’s sobbing increases.)

Zoe: They’re just pigs. People kill them all the time, and I’m sure you’ve done worse.

Earl: You think I chose that, either? You think I’m happy about it? I killed a hundred pigs in one year, and I’ve been a vampire for a hundred years. How many humans do you think I’ve killed? I’ve never seen them all at once, and I did my best not to make their deaths bloody and gory, but do the math. How many people do you think are dead because of me?

Anna: So basically, you’re a vegetarian because you have a guilty conscience?

Zoe: I’ve never met a real vampire with a conscience.

Earl: Are you still saying you don’t believe me?

Zoe: I’m saying that is the lamest, most ridiculous, most pathetic story I have ever heard. If you are a vampire, then you’re the sorriest excuse for one I’ve ever met. I don’t believe you could handle the sight of blood if you wanted to.

Anna: Um, can I get anyone anything?

Earl: When have you met other vampires?

Zoe: I don’t have to tell you my life story. And I don’t have to meet other vampires to know you’re a lousy one.

Anna: More coffee, Zoe?

Earl: If you’ve never met other vampires, then you have no basis for comparison. I could be the most wonderful vampire in the world.

Zoe: While crying for the poor dead pet piggies?

Anna: Who’s up for dessert?

Earl: And you keep accusing me of lying, when for all we know, every third word from your lips could be untrue. You might just be projecting your lies onto me.

Zoe: Or you could just be defensive because you don’t feel like a good vampire anymore.

Anna: I think we have apple pie.

Earl: Where do you get off telling me how I feel?

Zoe: When was the last time you did anything truly vampiric? Don’t pretend the cape counts; anyone can dress terribly.

Anna: It might even be fresh… ish.

Earl: I am a real vampire, with or without the cape. There’s nothing I can do to change it.

Zoe: You don’t sound convinced. Real vampires aren’t traumatized by pigs. They don’t cry over bacon bits, and they don’t eat grilled cheese.

Earl (to Anna): You know, I think I will have a slice of that apple pie.

Anna: Sure. I’ll grab it from the kitchen.

Zoe: You realize that if he’s telling the truth, you’re leaving one of your customers alone with a real, live vampire.

Anna: Considering that the customer is you, Zoe, I’m actually more worried for Earl.

(Anna exits left.)

Zoe: I don’t know what’s wrong with you.

Earl: Why do you enjoy tormenting other people?

Zoe: I practically offered her to you on a silver platter. I won’t stop you, no one will miss her, and even now, she’ll probably never see it coming. Yet you still can’t do it.

Earl: I don’t want her. I just want to be left alone to eat my grilled cheese.

Zoe: Because you’re scared. As much as you hate the part of yourself that drinks blood, don’t you hate the scared part even more?

Earl: I don’t hate any part of myself, so drop it already.

Zoe: That is perhaps the first real lie I’ve heard all night. Can you actually say that you like being a vampire?

Earl: Are you crazy? Killing people, drinking blood: You think I like any of it? You think I had a choice?
Zoe: And now? Can you actually say that you like being a vegetarian? Do you have a choice there?

Earl: It’s a lot easier to live with myself.

Zoe: But harder to live.

Earl: I’m undead. It’s not a life either way. Now, will you stop hounding me and let me eat my sandwich in peace?

Zoe: Tell you what: If you can look me in the eye and tell me that grilled cheese is your idea of a perfect meal, I will never again open my mouth on the subject.

Earl: You’ll believe me?

Zoe: I’ll stop saying I don’t.

Earl: You’ll stop trying to get me to drink blood from Anna?

Zoe: You find that tempting?

Earl: I didn’t say that.

Zoe: But you also can’t say it about the grilled cheese, can you?

(Beat. Earl lunges for Zoe’s neck. Big struggle ensues. I like to think at least part of it involves Zoe beating Earl with her purse, but do what you will. After a moment, Anna enters stage left with a piece of pie and a wooden stake. When she sees the fight, she sets the pie on the table and runs over to join the struggle. Eventually, she manages to stab Earl with the stake. Earl falls to the floor.
Both women stare at the body for a minute. Then Zoe walks over to her table, collecting and organizing her papers. Anna crosses to the other table and picks up the pie.)

Anna: Tell you what: Next time, I’ll be the decoy.

Zoe: Then maybe it won’t take so long to provoke an attack. My whole evening is wasted.
Anna: Rules are rules. You know as well as I do that we can’t go around killing every idiot who claims to be a vampire.

Zoe: It slows things down. Speaking of which, it took you long enough to get back out here.

Anna: I was getting pie.

Zoe: In case you wanted a snack while we hunted down the vampire.

Anna: In case you were wrong. I couldn’t run back in here with a wooden stake, no vampire attack, and no pie, could I?

Zoe: Still, twenty seconds earlier wouldn’t have killed you.

Anna: You know that if I ever have to choose between you and pie –

Zoe: I’m beginning to think you wouldn’t mind seeing me dead. Or undead. If I didn’t know better, I’d almost believe you were planning things this way.

(Beat. Anna does not answer.)

Anna: So. See you Tuesday?
(Blackout.)

So, real vampires really do eat grilled cheese? Or what?

Part 8 of Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese. Probably this is the last or second to last part. Until I write the sequel.

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Anna: That’s not very nice.

Earl: I’m not saying it to be mean, but I did need to be practical. Town drunks stumbling home from bar fights, crop circle fanatics, self-professed alien abductees living back in the woods. It was easy to make them look like accidents. And no one would believe them if they did tell.

Zoe: You were fine with this widespread bloodsucking all spring and summer?

Earl: I’ve never, not in a hundred years, been “fine” with it. But it was an evil necessary for my survival.

Anna: And in the fall?

Earl: In the fall, we had the slaughter.

Zoe: That is generally what is done with pigs. You were maybe not expecting this?

Earl: Oh, I knew we’d have to kill them, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so… grotesque. So much blood.

Anna: You’d think a vampire would be used to blood.

Earl: So what, now you don’t believe me either?

Anna: Just an observation.

Earl: Yes, I drained blood to feed, but I was always neat about it. Two little holes, and you get just as much blood as you need in a carefully controlled flow. No mess, no waste.

Zoe: People still ended up dead, didn’t they?

Earl: It’s not something I like to think about.

Anna: That’s what I don’t understand. You’re used to killing –

Earl: You never get used to killing.

Zoe: Some of us do.

Anna: You’ve done worse, so I don’t see how slaughtering a dozen pigs could turn you off blood forever, especially when it’s something you need. Sure it was messy, and I’ll bet it was gross –

Zoe: Plus, it probably smelled bad. Don’t forget that; it’s important.

Anna: Would it smell that bad to a vampire? I mean, it’s just a lot of blood.

Earl: Blood and death and pig doody. The pig doody made it especially delightful.

Anna: Point taken. I can understand why it would have turned you off blood for a little while, or why you’d have mixed feelings about feeding again. But like you said, it’s been months. Isn’t it time to get over it?

Earl: It’s not something you just “get over.” First, it wasn’t a couple dozen pigs; try a hundred. We were out under the full moon –

Anna: We?

Earl: The folks I hired on to help with the killing. Generally not smart to try slaughtering a hundred hogs on your own.

Zoe: You did this at night?

Earl: Couldn’t very well do it during the day, could I?

Anna: Didn’t they think you were… odd?

Earl: I told them I sunburn easily.

Zoe: They believed you?

Earl: They thought I was strange and a bit of a weenie, but not that I was a vampire, which is all that matters.

Anna: Why a full moon?

Zoe: Because his helpers were werewolves who needed their wolf strength for the slaughter. Or so the humans could see at night.

Earl: And we could see, much too clearly. The moon illuminated everything so that while we worked, it was in perfect, silvery detail. And these men, they’d slaughtered before, so none of it fazed them.

Zoe: I told you some get used to it.

Earl: Only they weren’t at all careful about the blood they were spilling. Maybe they didn’t want to think about it; maybe they just didn’t care. So I was the one who saw it, blood everywhere, trickling down into mud and pig carcasses, ruined, wasted.

(Earl begins to sob.)

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Okay, so maybe 2 more episodes until the end. But maybe next time will be the finale!

Is this vampire still hungry? Or, Part 7.

Of this play.

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Zoe: So you never get the craving for blood?

Earl: Not anymore.

Zoe: But you did?

Earl: Things have changed.

Zoe: I find that hard to believe.

Earl: I’m not asking you to.

Zoe: If you’re a vampire, you need blood to survive.

Earl: You’re not even sure I am a vampire.

Zoe: I’m not entirely discounting the possibility, though; I’m waiting for proof.

Earl: What makes you think I care about proving anything to you?

Zoe: What makes you think I care whether you’re a vampire or not?

Earl: You ask an awful lot of questions for someone who doesn’t care.

Zoe: I was trying to show an interest. I pride myself on being polite.

Earl: I find that hard to believe.

Zoe: I’m not asking you to.

Earl: This seems like a lonely place to spend a Saturday night.

Zoe: Are you lonely?

Earl: We both know why I’m here. I was wondering what it says about you.

Zoe: That at the moment, this was one of my better options.

Earl: Spending your Saturday night talking to a waitress who doesn’t even like you.

Zoe: And a fake vampire who also doesn’t like me.

Earl: You didn’t know I was going to be here.

Zoe: Didn’t I? Maybe I just got unlucky.

Earl: And I’m not a fake vampire, but you don’t care.

Zoe: I do, actually. Your life might depend on it.

(Anna enters with Earl’s sandwich. She crosses to the table and sets it in front of him.)

Anna: Sorry about the wait. The first one fell on the floor.

Earl: Why did I need to know that?

Anna: This is the one that didn’t.

Zoe: Are you sure?

Anna: I can check.

(She starts to cross left.)

Earl: No, wait. Don’t leave me.

Zoe: Scared of something?

Anna: What did she say to you?

Zoe: Why do you automatically blame me?

Anna: Every bit of past experience I’ve ever had. (To Earl.) What did she say?

Earl: Nothing. I just — I was going to tell you about becoming a vegetarian, remember?

Anna: Yeah, I know. But actually, my shift’s almost over, and I’ve got to start cleaning up the back.

Earl: Wait a minute! How much whining and cajoling did you have to go through to get me to tell?

Zoe: I didn’t whine.

Earl: No, you threatened.

Anna: I whined, maybe, a little bit.

Earl: And all of the sudden, you don’t care anymore? My story means nothing to you?

Anna: It’s not that, but I do have other things I need to do — like my job.

Earl: You’re going to leave me to talk to her?

Anna: You don’t have to talk to anybody.

Earl: That’s going to stop the lady the fantastical threats?

Zoe: My threats are pretty mundane, actually.

Anna: Okay, fine. Maybe for a few more minutes.

Earl: Fine.

Zoe: So. You were in Arkansas.

Earl: I am aware. Let me tell my own damn story.

Zoe: Just wanted to remind you where you left off. I wouldn’t dream of interfering.

Earl: You don’t need to dream; you just do it.

Anna: However, some of us realize that it’s still your story. Go ahead and tell.

Earl: I found a remote little town, and I bought a hog farm just outside it.

Anna: Um, why?

Earl: People tend to be suspicious if you don’t have anything like a job or a means of living. I didn’t need to be the “crazy old man” living back in the woods.

Zoe: The town probably had one of those already. Maybe two or three.

Earl: I needed to belong.

Anna: Why hogs?

Earl: The farm was for sale, and raising hogs is pretty easy. You can manage it almost entirely without going outside in sunlight, especially if you hire someone to help you.

Anna: Very useful.

Earl: Everything went reasonably well through spring and summer. Obviously, there was some trial and error in figuring things out, but nothing I can really complain about.

Zoe: What about feeding — yourself, I mean?

Earl: Why are you only interested in the morbid bits?

Zoe: Must have been hard to find blood to suck without attracting attention.

Earl: Actually, no. The town… well, let’s just say it was full of people no one would miss.

Six Vampires A-… Cheesing?

I guess “cheese” isn’t a verb. And it isn’t close to Christmas. But it doesn’t matter because there’s only one vampire, and anyway, Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese.

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(Beat. Anna enters with a pot of coffee. She crosses to pour Zoe a cup.)

Anna: What kind of fun and exciting vampire stories did I miss?

Earl: Zoe claimed you were a vampire hunter.

Zoe: Tattle tale.

Anna: The same woman who claimed you were a vampire based on fashion sense alone?

Zoe: I was right about that, wasn’t I? And we weren’t talking about me. We were talking about our resident vampire, mister… um… mister…

Earl: Earl.

Zoe: Excuse me?

Earl: You’re trying to introduce me. For that, a name is helpful. My name is Earl.

Zoe: Perfect. A vegetarian vampire named Earl. How’d I guess?

Anna: You didn’t. He told you. Twice.

Zoe: Even with proof, no one will ever believe this.

Earl: Proof of what?

Anna: That you exist and that she’s not jumping to conclusions.

Earl: The two are not mutually exclusive.

Zoe: So, Earl here was just going to tell us how he became a vegetarian vampire.

Earl: I thought you didn’t want me to tell.

Zoe: I never said that.

Anna: We picked up on your ever-so-subtle hints.

Zoe: Fine. Suit yourself. He’s probably just going to lie about it anyway.

Anna: At least it will be an entertaining lie.

Zoe: We can hope. Frankly, I have my doubts.

Anna: Because you’re cynical and pessimistic by nature.

Zoe: Not true. Both are carefully honed skills.

Earl: So sorry to interrupt, but if you’re through chatting, can I finally tell what you wanted to hear in the first place?

Zoe: By all means. Don’t let me keep you. I’m not really in the mood for chit chat anyway.

Earl: I don’t believe it.

Zoe: Well, I’m not. It’s true.

Anna: Earl, just tell.

Earl: So I moved to Arkansas back in the spring –

Anna: Where’d you live before?

Zoe: And why would anyone move to Arkansas?

Earl: Already with the interruptions. This is going to get old fast. You move to Arkansas if you want to make sure the people from where you were before don’t want to follow.

Zoe: Ah, the vampire hunters.

Anna: Good strategy.

Zoe: They don’t sound very determined.

Earl: You could do better?

Zoe: Try me.

(Beat.)

Earl: My place –

Anna: In Arkansas?

Earl: Yes, in Arkansas — was kind of tucked away from everything. I can keep a low profile when I want to.

Zoe: Because the cape’s not giving anything away.

Earl: I said “when I want to.”

Anna: Why don’t you want to now?

Earl: Let’s just say my life has become complicated recently.

Zoe: You’re trying to find yourself. Or having an identity crisis.

Anna: Just because he’s a vegetarian? I don’t think it works that way.

Earl: Um, my life, my story?

Zoe: Maybe because he no longer sucks blood. It seems like that’s the defining characteristic of being a vampire, and if he can’t even do that –

Anna: I still don’t think he un-becomes a vampire.

Zoe: I wouldn’t call him one.

Earl: Who died and made you queen of the undead?

Zoe: I don’t make the rules; I just know them. Vampires drink blood; you don’t. Therefore –

Anna: Therefore, we were talking about how he got this way and what made him a vegetarian.

Earl: Speaking of vegetarians, don’t I have a grilled cheese coming?

Zoe: If it’s not already burnt by now.

Anna: I’ll check.

(Anna starts to exit left.)

Zoe: But don’t worry. She’ll serve it to you anyway.

Anna: No, Zoe. That’s just with your food.

(She exits.)

Five Parts of Earl

Just in case you needed a recap, here are links to the previous four “Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese” posts:

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4

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Anna: We’re also kind of barred from acting without it.

Zoe: Which is a pity. I could get so much more done without that rule.

Earl: Care to tell me what’s going on here?

Zoe: Not especially.

Earl: But I’m expected to reveal intimate details about my life. On an empty stomach even. Very fair.

Anna: You know what? I don’t actually care that much. We can call it a fact-finding mission: If you’ll tell an entertaining story, that will be good enough for me.

Zoe: You say fact-finding; I say wild goose chase.

Anna: Think you can tell a story even she’ll believe?

Earl: That depends. Can you ask nicely?

Anna: I can ask more nicely than anyone else in this room.

Earl: Good answer.

Zoe: Could I get another cup of coffee?

Anna: Certainly, Zoe, but don’t think for a minute that I don’t recognize the timing as strategic for you and inconvenient for me.

Zoe: Both at once. Sometimes, I even amaze myself.

(Anna exits left.)

Zoe: What are you going to say?

Earl: Why does it matter to you?

Zoe: I’ll know if you’re lying.

Earl: She won’t.

Zoe: Do you know that for sure?

Earl: Besides, what makes you think I lie?

Zoe: I think everyone lies.

Earl: Anna included? You seem to think you have her figured out.

Zoe: So you really are a vampire?

Earl (chuckling): I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

Zoe: Not true. Nothing can happen just for saying you’re a vampire. That’s freedom of speech.

Earl: How do you know there’s not a horde of vampire hunters hiding in the ceiling, just waiting for me to make a wrong move?

Zoe: Even if there were, like Anna said, they’d need proof.

Earl: So Anna knows about vampire hunters?

Zoe: I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

IV: Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese

Earl’s continuing adventure.

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Earl: She doesn’t seem to like you much.

Zoe: She knows me too well for that.

Earl: Been coming here awhile, then?

Zoe: Entirely beside the point.

Earl: I’m not sure I follow you.

Zoe: I’m sure you don’t. (Beat.) You don’t need to stay vegetarian.

Earl: You don’t know that, but thank you for being presumptuous.

Zoe: She’d be the perfect victim.

Earl: How generous and helpful of you.

Zoe: She’d never see it coming; Anna’s too trusting. No one would miss her right away. And I could make sure there were no witnesses.

Earl: You’re not really a “people person,” are you?

Zoe: You’re a bright child; I knew you’d pick up on it eventually.

Earl: I’m hardly a child. In fact, I’m probably older than you are.

Zoe: You don’t look it. Undead age well.

Earl: It’s one of the perks.

Zoe: Big perk. Almost up there with not actually dying.

Earl: Maybe for some people, though having some choice in the matter would have been nice.

Zoe: Still, you’d think that would outweigh certain other… distasteful aspects of vampirism.

Earl: Still, since you don’t know what you’re getting into here, maybe you’d like to keep your mouth shut.

Zoe: This can be arranged, but I know more than you think. No need to get snippy.

(Anna enters stage left.)

Anna: Be just a minute on the grilled cheese.

Zoe: The vegetarian grilled cheese, correct? Since the rest of us couldn’t possibly be expected to comprehend the emotional and psychological impact of eating meat.

Anna: That’s a little harsh, Zoe, even for you. Might want to scale it back before our guest starts thinking you’re a heinous bitch.

Earl: Too late.

Zoe: I’m a guest too.

Earl: I thought this was a place for people who wanted to eat alone.

Anna: You didn’t know that when you walked in.

Earl: She did.

Anna: Not sure if you’ve noticed this by now, but Zoe only likes the rules when they work for her.

Zoe: And even then it’s doubtful.

Anna: Anyway — and believe me, I do realize how strange this sounds — but I was wondering, if I could –

Zoe: Of course you can wonder. We can’t stop you.

Earl: Though you could let her ask a question uninterrupted. At least, I suspect you have that capability.

Zoe: Yes, but I choose not to use it. She wouldn’t show me the same courtesy.

Anna: She’s probably right.

Earl: Fine. Clearly I know nothing. You were saying –

Anna: Call it morbid curiosity, but I was wondering if I could ask about, you know, the whole vampire thing.

Earl: Can I not eat in peace?

Zoe: Your food’s not here yet.

Earl: Can prying into my personal life really be that interesting?

Anna: Don’t tell me if you don’t want. But yes. I’ve never met a vampire before. You must get asked about it all the time.

Earl: I don’t tend to do a lot of socializing.

Anna: And you picked us. I’m flattered. But can I ask you what it’s like?

Earl: Not socializing?

Anna: Being a vampire.

Earl: Antisocial, a little.

Zoe: We don’t even know for sure that he’s a vampire. He could be lying.

Anna: You were the one who said it was obvious.

Zoe: And you trusted me?

Anna: Good point. You’re wrong a lot.

Zoe: I’m never wrong.

Anna: We should probably try to get proof.

Earl: You know, I also admitted to the vampirism. Why ask me anything if you’re going to disbelieve my answer?

Zoe: We just met you. Why should we believe you?

Earl: Because it’s a dumb thing to lie about?

Zoe: You might be right. But if that were the case, there would be thousands of angsty little goth teenagers shrinking away from every bit of garlic they came near and physically disintegrating in the sun. Since I haven’t seen the ash piles, it must take more than saying you’re a vampire to make you one. If you’re going to convince me, I’m going to need proof.

Vampire & Cheese: Part 3

Okay, so the full title is “Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese,” and it’s continued from Part 2.

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Zoe: She has a lovely neck, you know.

Earl: I beg your pardon?

Zoe: I’m just saying. Not like mine: my arteries are starting to harden.

(Earl studies the menu for a moment. Zoe goes back to ignoring Earl. Finally, Earl turns to face Zoe.)

Earl: What’s good here? Besides necks, I mean.

Zoe: Nothing, particularly.

Earl: You don’t like the food? Then why stay?

Zoe: Nothing’s particularly bad here, either, so it all works out. Life is more agreeable that way.

Earl: And I thought I had problems.

Zoe: You probably do.

(Anna enters with Zoe’s order. She crosses to Zoe, takes the cup of soup, and sets the plate on the table.)

Zoe: More coffee, too, when you get to it.

Anna: At this rate, you’ll be up all night.

Zoe: I’ll be up all night anyway, and I don’t need you to question my decisions here.

Anna: Question? When did I ask a question? (She turns to Earl.) All set to order, or do you need a few more minutes?

Earl: What’s your soup today?

Anna: Bean with bacon.

Earl (shuddering): Yuck. Too bad.

Anna: Can’t say that I blame you. I’m more of a chicken noodle person myself.

Earl: Well, I don’t mind the beans, but — there’s not a way to serve that without the bacon, is there?

Zoe: Bean with bacon without the bacon? What do you want her to do, go through and pick all the little shreds of dead pig out of there for you?

Earl: It was just a question. Besides, it would still leave the problem of the bacon residue floating around in the broth.

Zoe: And why is this bacon residue a problem?

Anna: Or the bacon itself, for that matter?

Earl: I’m a vegetarian.

Anna: I thought you were a vampire.

Earl: That too.

Anna: So you’re a vegetarian… and a vampire?

Zoe: You seem a bit confused.

Earl: That too.

Anna: Can I ask how that works?

Earl: I’ve only been vegetarian for a couple of months; it’s been a long couple of months.

Anna: I’ll bet.

Zoe: If you ask me –

Anna: Which no one did –

Zoe: It doesn’t sound like a sustainable lifestyle.

Earl: I’ve considered this.

Anna: Doesn’t matter. She’s going to tell you again.

Zoe: There’s nothing to tell; you just can’t do it. At some point, you will need blood, end of story. You’re setting yourself up for failure.

Earl: And I’ll worry about that later, but for now could I just get a grilled cheese?

Anna: God, yes, and fast, before she starts in on how you’ll never achieve your full potential this way and will end up a disappointment to everyone around you. Don’t need to hear that rant again.

(Anna takes Earl’s menu and exits left.)

Part 2: Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese

Continued from here.

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(Anna exits stage left. Zoe pulls out a pair of glasses, a couple of file folders, and a pen from her bag. She begins reading through the papers in the first folder, making notes to herself as she goes.

Earl enters stage right. It should be immediately obvious to the audience that Earl looks like a vampire. This probably requires a cape as some lines of dialog assume its presence. Please consult director and costume designer for specific suggestions.

Earl looks around for a hostess to seat him. When that doesn’t happen, he starts to cross into the restaurant, stops, and ends up tapping his feet or fidgeting impatiently. Zoe’s chair should face Earl. She looks up at him once then proceeds to ignore his presence, focusing instead on her papers.

Anna re-enters with a cup of coffee and a cup of soup, probably both on a tray. She glances toward the entrance and registers Earl’s presence, though she doesn’t get a good look.)

Anna: With you in a sec.

Earl: Take your time.

(Earl smiles, possibly revealing sharp pointy vampire teeth. Anna looks again; this time she stops in her tracks. Zoe speaks without looking at either of them.)

Zoe: It’s rude to stare, Anna. I’m sure you’ve seen customers before; the place isn’t that bad.

Anna (under her breath): What I wouldn’t give to change your mind.

Zoe: What? Speak up, dear, if you have something to say.

Anna: Nothing important. Just, you know, chit chat.

Zoe: Which I am not in the mood for.

Anna: Precisely.

(Anna sets the soup and coffee in front of Zoe, who moves her papers off to the side but doesn’t put them away entirely. Then Anna crosses to Earl, where she once again becomes visibly nervous and uncomfortable.)

Anna: Hi! My name is… um…

Earl: Anna.

Anna: How’d you know?

Earl: Name tag. I can read.

Anna: Right. Good for you. So I’m Anna, and I’ll be your server this evening.

(She does not move. Earl does not move. The silence continues until it becomes awkward.)

Earl: Could I get –

Anna: Nice cape.

Zoe: Smooth, dear.

Earl: Um, thanks? I wasn’t looking for a fashion critique.

Anna: Sorry. I meant… um… how may I help you, sir?

Earl: May I have a table for one, please?

Anna: That I can do. All our tables are for one.

(Anna takes a menu and seats Earl at the far table. Though they cross past Zoe in the process, she does not acknowledge the two of them.)

Earl: Well, sure. I guess that makes sense, except not really. What do you do for people who want to eat together?

Zoe: Tell them to go someplace else.

Earl: Kind of rude, isn’t it?

Anna: You must not be from around here.

Earl: You could say that.

Anna: It’s a restaurant for people who want to eat alone. So if there are people who want to eat together, they probably don’t want to come here in the first place.

Earl: Who wants to eat alone?

Anna: You’re about to.

Earl: Doesn’t mean I want to. My meal choices, not to mention dining hours and locations, are kind of limited, and this place didn’t look too crowded.

Anna: You know — and forgive me if I’m being presumptuous — but it occurs to me that we might not serve the kind of food you need.

Zoe: Finally. I was wondering how long it would take you to figure it out.

Earl: I’m not sure what you’re getting at.

Anna: That makes two of us.

Zoe: Don’t be an idiot, child. Do you think anyone would display that kind of hideous fashion sense for the fun of it? He’s obviously a vampire.

Anna: And you’re obviously a batty old lady. What happened to “top secret,” or did that go out the window with all things tactful?

Earl: Um, could I get a menu?

Zoe: Just making sure some very salient details are clear.

Earl: Because I’d hate to interrupt your conversation.

Anna: But why would a vampire need a restaurant menu? It’s not like we serve blood –

Earl: But I’d also like to order.

Anna: And even if we did, there are probably not a lot of ways to serve it that require looking at a menu.

Zoe: He could still be planning to suck our blood. The “menu” line could all be a clever act.

Earl: No, a menu would help with me getting food.

Anna: Only it wouldn’t be quite so clever since you miraculously and heroically figured it out in the nick of time.

Earl (rising): Hi, remember me?

Zoe: She might not, you know; she’s flighty like that.

Earl: The guy you were worried might be planning to kill you?

Anna: I wasn’t worried.

Zoe: Could still be planning, for all we know.

Earl: For the record, I could have killed you ten times over while you were deciding and discussing and bickering. Also for the record, yes, I am a vampire, but no, I do not want to feed off of either of you. Now, can I Please. Get. A. Menu?

Anna: Yes. Sure. Of course. (She hands him a menu.) I should check the kitchen anyway; order’s probably up. Why don’t I give you a few minutes to look things over and decide?

Earl (who is seated again and making an effort to be affable and polite): Excellent plan. And I should apologize for the outburst; I’ve been a little cranky lately. Low blood sugar or something.

Zoe: Low blood sugar makes me feel weak, not cranky.

Anna: That’s because you’re cranky normally.

Zoe: Weren’t you going somewhere? Somewhere away?

Anna: Right. Kitchen. Food. Yours.

(Anna exits left.)

If you give them pancakes…

Regardless of anything I may think on my darkest days, this is how I know I’ve made a difference in the teaching world.

Two students, who have by all accounts been slackers all year, are discussing their own plans for a script after reading Earl.

Student 1: What’s our conflict?

Student 2: Aliens!

Student 1: Zombies!

Student 2: Aliens versus zombies!

Student 1: Who will win?

Student 2: Aliens!

Student 1: Zombies!

Student 2: What if they make a truce?

Student 1: How will they make a truce?

Student 2: Pancakes!

Student 1: Pancakes?

Student 2: If you give the zombies pancakes —

Student 1: They’ll stop craving brains.

This is not, technically, more writing than they’ve done all year. But it sure as hell is more enthusiastic writing than they may have done ever.

Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese

I’m putting this here for a number of reasons. First, it represents the last time I wrote something substantive — in my world, this means a play — that I am proud of. This happened in 2007.

Now, it’s quite true that I wrote another play in 2008, and I’ve been keeping this blog since the beginning of 2011, so it’s not exactly like I’ve been in a complete writing drought. It’s happening, even if I do miss locking myself in the third floor library for hours and tearing away at the insides of a composition book.

Which brings me to the second reason. I was revising it — read: taking out the extraneous cuss words — to share with my students recently, for their drama unit. I was iffy about sharing it with them, but we all turned out to have a blast with it. To the extent that I am motivated to write a sequel and/or Act Two this summer.

So this might be a complete piece. But then again, it might not be.

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Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese:

Characters:
Anna, early 20s
Zoe, mid 50s
Earl, a vampire

Setting:
A quiet restaurant. After sunset.

Set:
Two tables, right and left, each with only one chair. Each chair should be placed on the stage center side of its table so that they face away from one another. (Note: When performing bits of this in class, my students — admittedly, not experienced actors — found it difficult to perform with chairs facing away from one another. Though I like the dynamic it has in my head, this may work out less well in practice.) Add other restaurant furnishings as desired.

_______________________________________________________

(Lights up. Anna is onstage, clearing or wiping off one of the tables. Zoe enters stage right; she carries a large purse or briefcase. She waits for Anna to seat her, but Anna’s back is turned. After a moment, Zoe clears her throat, and Anna looks over to her.)

Anna: Zoe, hi. I wasn’t expecting–

Zoe: That makes no sense. It’s still a restaurant, isn’t it? Customers could walk in anytime.

Anna: They don’t.

Zoe: I’m a customer.

Anna: Officially.

Zoe: I walked in; it could happen.

Anna: It’s Saturday.

Zoe: I’m aware. Good to see you’ve mastered days of the week. Working on months of the year next?

Anna: Cute. I just meant it wasn’t your usual –

Zoe: I still need to eat on Saturday. And you’re still open on Saturday. Unless I’m missing something –

Anna: No, but I suspect I am. Again.

Zoe: If you needed to know, I’d tell you. And we still need to work on Saturday.

Anna: Knew there was a reason. Do I get details, or am I supposed to trust you and guess?

Zoe: You know, I’m not really in the mood for chit chat.

Anna: Of course not, not on anyone else’s terms. (She picks up a menu.) Usual table?

Zoe: That would be fine.

(Anna seats Zoe at the near table.)

Anna: What are we working on tonight?

Zoe: My plans are my business.

Anna: Even when they involve me.

Zoe: Who says they do?

Anna: Sometimes I think you carry this “top secret” thing a little too far.

Zoe: It’s nothing that needs to be discussed. Yet.

Anna: Then why come here?

Zoe: Because usually it’s quiet, and usually you don’t give me the third degree. Sometimes I don’t think you take your other job seriously enough. People will suspect.

Anna: Point taken. Menu tonight, or — ?

Zoe: What’s your soup today?

Anna: Bean with bacon.

Zoe: Just the usual, but start with that. And coffee. It might be a long night.