Put down the chips.

An open letter to my neighborhood assholes:


Occasionally, I eat chips. There’s a store on my way home that sells them in smaller two-for-a-dollar bags. When I have the money, the hunger, the inclination, and the time, I’ll sometimes get off my bus a few stops early, purchase a bag, and eat them as I walk the extra mile home. I will eat them in public as I walk down the street alone.

And to be fair, most of the time, what happens is that I walk, I eat chips, and other people leave me alone.

Then there are days like today. I will be walking with an open bag of chips — I don’t even have to be actively eating them — and someone on a bike (like today) or in a car with the windows rolled down (as on other days) yells at me, “Put down the chips!” as they pass by.

The point of this letter is to say NO. The point of this letter is to call bullshit on your assholery.

You cannot convincingly claim any pretense of being concerned for my health. You do not know how often I eat chips, how many I’ve eaten or plan to eat, what else I’ve eaten this day, or what my other activity levels have been. Evidence? You never stopped to ask. Instead, you flung a shaming command from a faster moving vehicle and wheeled on your way — before you would have had to engage with me.

Thus, I can only conclude that you’re a coward, more concerned with building yourself up by shaming me.

Either that, or you really, really wanted my chips. If that was the case — next time just ask nicely. I will gladly share.

Until then, though, fuck off!
— Me


I'm here. I like stuff. Some other stuff, I like less.

Tagged with: , , ,
Posted in non-asana
13 comments on “Put down the chips.
  1. I was going to write “damn those bastards,” then remembered how many kind, loving people happen to have been born outside a marriage relationship.

    Damn those custards!

    • Tori says:

      It is for this reason I have become a fan of terms such as “cactusfucker” (which seems like it CANNOT be a bright idea) and “douchecanoe.”

      • “twatwaffle” is always a good one… But I have to admit that “douchecanoe” has been my favorite descriptive for ages. 🙂
        I came across your post while tag-surfing… And I have to say, I can’t believe the nerve some people have! You were WALKING, which is probably more exercise than those nozzles ever do… And really, what gives ANYONE the right to do crap like that??

        • Tori says:

          I don’t know how much exercise they do or don’t get (though some are definitely on bikes), but I do think the fact that I’m always walking when this happens is key for one specific reason: It means that, just by virtue of the transportation involved — that I can’t remove myself from the situation either at will or as quickly as they can.

  2. Jane says:

    Seriously, you are the awesomest person alive.

  3. Warped Kevin says:

    I love this post so much.

  4. I could live to be nine million years old and I will never understand the mindset of the person who feels comfortable making derogatory comments to strangers. I actually don’t understand it when it involves people you know, but I really don’t get it with strangers. They can’t possibly think they are being clever, can they?

    • Tori says:

      The plausible explanation I’ve come up with is that, clever or not (I vote “not”), the act gives them a feeling of power, however fleeting. They said something “bad” and didn’t have to face any immediate external consequences. Therefore, they basically “got away with it” — which, admittedly, can be quite exhilarating. And if one can forget that this power trip occurs at the expense of another, it might actually feel fun or something.

      • Yes, this combines perfectly with the fact that they’re on wheels and you’re on foot; snide exhilaration PLUS a quick getaway.

        Every time I walk somewhere, strangers honk, whistle, and shout lord-knows-what at me— and it’s almost always young college dudes, looking to “get away with something.” Almost no one on foot has EVER hassled me. Good thing you’ve introduced “douchecanoe” into my vocabulary!

  5. I like the idea that they really just want some chips, and don’t know how to ask properly. Can I live in the world where that really is their motivation?

    • Tori says:

      Can I live in a world where — operating on this assumption — it is then totally appropriate to “put down” my chips by chucking them at the yelling assholes? 😀

  6. Eating chips and enjoying your rant!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: