No, I really do mean “queer” as in “some sexual orientation other than straight.” Originally posted at my Tumblr, but I thought it might be substantive enough to post here as well. Trigger warnings at the beginning for talk of suicide and self-harm.
Day 5 – Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?
I don’t think any part of my (past) history with self-injury is related to inner turmoil about my sexual orientation.
That said, I do have some. Like, I know I’m queer — but I wonder how much of my same-sex attraction as been quashed (and/or opposite-sex attraction augmented) by:
- A childhood and adolescent religious community that viewed same-sex attraction as explicitly sinful, perverted, and predatory.
- Family members who would be varying degrees of Not Okay with me out of the closet. (Some would outright disown me, some would “love me anyway” but try to change me, some would try but just Not Get It over and over, etc.)
- A heteronormative society where EVERY RELATIONSHIP SCRIPT I EVER SAW during the first 15+ years of my life taught me how to respond in flirting/romantic/physical scenarios with guys. True, a lot of them aren’t realistic or are based on stereotypes, but even that is a far cry from the NOTHING I saw about girl-girl (or woman-woman) relationships growing up.
Now, I do not love my current partner any less, nor do I doubt the long term capacity of our relationship. However, I *do* wonder about my overall tendency to end up in (public, longer-lasting, more socially acceptable) heterosexual relationships.