Part 2: Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese

Continued from here.

Glaspalast München 1889 087


(Anna exits stage left. Zoe pulls out a pair of glasses, a couple of file folders, and a pen from her bag. She begins reading through the papers in the first folder, making notes to herself as she goes.

Earl enters stage right. It should be immediately obvious to the audience that Earl looks like a vampire. This probably requires a cape as some lines of dialog assume its presence. Please consult director and costume designer for specific suggestions.

Earl looks around for a hostess to seat him. When that doesn’t happen, he starts to cross into the restaurant, stops, and ends up tapping his feet or fidgeting impatiently. Zoe’s chair should face Earl. She looks up at him once then proceeds to ignore his presence, focusing instead on her papers.

Anna re-enters with a cup of coffee and a cup of soup, probably both on a tray. She glances toward the entrance and registers Earl’s presence, though she doesn’t get a good look.)

Anna: With you in a sec.

Earl: Take your time.

(Earl smiles, possibly revealing sharp pointy vampire teeth. Anna looks again; this time she stops in her tracks. Zoe speaks without looking at either of them.)

Zoe: It’s rude to stare, Anna. I’m sure you’ve seen customers before; the place isn’t that bad.

Anna (under her breath): What I wouldn’t give to change your mind.

Zoe: What? Speak up, dear, if you have something to say.

Anna: Nothing important. Just, you know, chit chat.

Zoe: Which I am not in the mood for.

Anna: Precisely.

(Anna sets the soup and coffee in front of Zoe, who moves her papers off to the side but doesn’t put them away entirely. Then Anna crosses to Earl, where she once again becomes visibly nervous and uncomfortable.)

Anna: Hi! My name is… um…

Earl: Anna.

Anna: How’d you know?

Earl: Name tag. I can read.

Anna: Right. Good for you. So I’m Anna, and I’ll be your server this evening.

(She does not move. Earl does not move. The silence continues until it becomes awkward.)

Earl: Could I get —

Anna: Nice cape.

Zoe: Smooth, dear.

Earl: Um, thanks? I wasn’t looking for a fashion critique.

Anna: Sorry. I meant… um… how may I help you, sir?

Earl: May I have a table for one, please?

Anna: That I can do. All our tables are for one.

(Anna takes a menu and seats Earl at the far table. Though they cross past Zoe in the process, she does not acknowledge the two of them.)

Earl: Well, sure. I guess that makes sense, except not really. What do you do for people who want to eat together?

Zoe: Tell them to go someplace else.

Earl: Kind of rude, isn’t it?

Anna: You must not be from around here.

Earl: You could say that.

Anna: It’s a restaurant for people who want to eat alone. So if there are people who want to eat together, they probably don’t want to come here in the first place.

Earl: Who wants to eat alone?

Anna: You’re about to.

Earl: Doesn’t mean I want to. My meal choices, not to mention dining hours and locations, are kind of limited, and this place didn’t look too crowded.

Anna: You know — and forgive me if I’m being presumptuous — but it occurs to me that we might not serve the kind of food you need.

Zoe: Finally. I was wondering how long it would take you to figure it out.

Earl: I’m not sure what you’re getting at.

Anna: That makes two of us.

Zoe: Don’t be an idiot, child. Do you think anyone would display that kind of hideous fashion sense for the fun of it? He’s obviously a vampire.

Anna: And you’re obviously a batty old lady. What happened to “top secret,” or did that go out the window with all things tactful?

Earl: Um, could I get a menu?

Zoe: Just making sure some very salient details are clear.

Earl: Because I’d hate to interrupt your conversation.

Anna: But why would a vampire need a restaurant menu? It’s not like we serve blood —

Earl: But I’d also like to order.

Anna: And even if we did, there are probably not a lot of ways to serve it that require looking at a menu.

Zoe: He could still be planning to suck our blood. The “menu” line could all be a clever act.

Earl: No, a menu would help with me getting food.

Anna: Only it wouldn’t be quite so clever since you miraculously and heroically figured it out in the nick of time.

Earl (rising): Hi, remember me?

Zoe: She might not, you know; she’s flighty like that.

Earl: The guy you were worried might be planning to kill you?

Anna: I wasn’t worried.

Zoe: Could still be planning, for all we know.

Earl: For the record, I could have killed you ten times over while you were deciding and discussing and bickering. Also for the record, yes, I am a vampire, but no, I do not want to feed off of either of you. Now, can I Please. Get. A. Menu?

Anna: Yes. Sure. Of course. (She hands him a menu.) I should check the kitchen anyway; order’s probably up. Why don’t I give you a few minutes to look things over and decide?

Earl (who is seated again and making an effort to be affable and polite): Excellent plan. And I should apologize for the outburst; I’ve been a little cranky lately. Low blood sugar or something.

Zoe: Low blood sugar makes me feel weak, not cranky.

Anna: That’s because you’re cranky normally.

Zoe: Weren’t you going somewhere? Somewhere away?

Anna: Right. Kitchen. Food. Yours.

(Anna exits left.)


I'm here. I like stuff. Some other stuff, I like less.

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