I was originally going to call this post, “Fuck, It’s Swimsuit Season Again” to better express my sentiments, but I decided dropping the f-bomb as the very first word of the post was not the better part of valor this time around.
Here’s the thing when it comes to swimming (and therefore swimsuit) season: I like to swim. We are a little pressed for oceans and lakes here in the desert, but I have, on occasion, been known to purchase a season (or daily) pass to my local community pool. I’ve risen early — when, even in southern Arizona, the water still seems a little cold — for lap swim. Less often, I’ve braved the overcrowding of open swim in the summer. I prefer it when I can move more, but basically, swimming is fun for me.
In fact, I’d do it more often if the Arizona sun weren’t so brutal and if I could find a swimsuit that worked for me.
Within certain constraints, I don’t much care how my body looks in a swimsuit. I mean, yes, if I think a particular print is garish in general, I will likely think it’s garish on me. And if I’m repeatedly tucking a boob back in or picking a wedgie out, I consider this an aesthetic as well as a functional problem. But beyond that, I’m not too picky: I just want a suit that lets me swim.
Which is why posts about the Hottest bathing suit trends are the bane of my swimsuit-oriented existence — even more than sunburn, green-tinged chlorine hair, or small children splashing and peeing. The introduction of the article (such as it is) claims, “There’s something here for every woman!”
Which — lies.
Even ignoring the diverse reasons why millions of other women might want swimsuits that look nothing like that, there is no suit there for me. Of the twelve suits pictured, eleven are held up at the top with strings. Nine are held up with itty, bitty strings. You know what’s generally not suitable for supporting a larger bust? Itty, bitty strings. For the record, itty, bitty strings mean my breasts bounce with each stroke — which = soreness over anything longer than 50 meters — and threaten to escape out the sides and/or top, depending on the cut.
What about the wider strings? Better in theory, unless one makes the mistake of assuming an always linear relationship between ribcage measurement and cup size. A tie-back halter with either an inadequate support band or no support band (as in the one piece featured in the article, except this one is the plus-size) does not lend itself to well-endowed swimming.
There is, of course, one pictured suit with traditional over-the-shoulder straps. But two things here: One, again, the complete lack of support across the back/ribcage (where a bra band would be) would make swimming any significant distance painful for me. Two, that deep V-neck? Is just asking my boobs to fall out in a different direction.
To be fair, I’m sure these are fine swimsuits for millions of people. But the article didn’t portray them as “trends that a lot of people will like.” It said “for every woman,” which is demonstrably untrue. Additionally, it has the gall to list the first three suits as “sporty” options, which pretty much rubs my face in why these won’t work for me. And every swimsuit article will be like this, from now through September.
Except, you know, for the ones that tell me, “Get your body bikini ready!”
Thanks, but — It’s the suits, not my body, that are the problem.