Vampire & Cheese: Part 3

Okay, so the full title is “Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese,” and it’s continued from Part 2.

Bowl of Ukrainian Borscht

Zoe: She has a lovely neck, you know.

Earl: I beg your pardon?

Zoe: I’m just saying. Not like mine: my arteries are starting to harden.

(Earl studies the menu for a moment. Zoe goes back to ignoring Earl. Finally, Earl turns to face Zoe.)

Earl: What’s good here? Besides necks, I mean.

Zoe: Nothing, particularly.

Earl: You don’t like the food? Then why stay?

Zoe: Nothing’s particularly bad here, either, so it all works out. Life is more agreeable that way.

Earl: And I thought I had problems.

Zoe: You probably do.

(Anna enters with Zoe’s order. She crosses to Zoe, takes the cup of soup, and sets the plate on the table.)

Zoe: More coffee, too, when you get to it.

Anna: At this rate, you’ll be up all night.

Zoe: I’ll be up all night anyway, and I don’t need you to question my decisions here.

Anna: Question? When did I ask a question? (She turns to Earl.) All set to order, or do you need a few more minutes?

Earl: What’s your soup today?

Anna: Bean with bacon.

Earl (shuddering): Yuck. Too bad.

Anna: Can’t say that I blame you. I’m more of a chicken noodle person myself.

Earl: Well, I don’t mind the beans, but — there’s not a way to serve that without the bacon, is there?

Zoe: Bean with bacon without the bacon? What do you want her to do, go through and pick all the little shreds of dead pig out of there for you?

Earl: It was just a question. Besides, it would still leave the problem of the bacon residue floating around in the broth.

Zoe: And why is this bacon residue a problem?

Anna: Or the bacon itself, for that matter?

Earl: I’m a vegetarian.

Anna: I thought you were a vampire.

Earl: That too.

Anna: So you’re a vegetarian… and a vampire?

Zoe: You seem a bit confused.

Earl: That too.

Anna: Can I ask how that works?

Earl: I’ve only been vegetarian for a couple of months; it’s been a long couple of months.

Anna: I’ll bet.

Zoe: If you ask me —

Anna: Which no one did —

Zoe: It doesn’t sound like a sustainable lifestyle.

Earl: I’ve considered this.

Anna: Doesn’t matter. She’s going to tell you again.

Zoe: There’s nothing to tell; you just can’t do it. At some point, you will need blood, end of story. You’re setting yourself up for failure.

Earl: And I’ll worry about that later, but for now could I just get a grilled cheese?

Anna: God, yes, and fast, before she starts in on how you’ll never achieve your full potential this way and will end up a disappointment to everyone around you. Don’t need to hear that rant again.

(Anna takes Earl’s menu and exits left.)


I'm here. I like stuff. Some other stuff, I like less.

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