IV: Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese

Earl’s continuing adventure.



Earl: She doesn’t seem to like you much.

Zoe: She knows me too well for that.

Earl: Been coming here awhile, then?

Zoe: Entirely beside the point.

Earl: I’m not sure I follow you.

Zoe: I’m sure you don’t. (Beat.) You don’t need to stay vegetarian.

Earl: You don’t know that, but thank you for being presumptuous.

Zoe: She’d be the perfect victim.

Earl: How generous and helpful of you.

Zoe: She’d never see it coming; Anna’s too trusting. No one would miss her right away. And I could make sure there were no witnesses.

Earl: You’re not really a “people person,” are you?

Zoe: You’re a bright child; I knew you’d pick up on it eventually.

Earl: I’m hardly a child. In fact, I’m probably older than you are.

Zoe: You don’t look it. Undead age well.

Earl: It’s one of the perks.

Zoe: Big perk. Almost up there with not actually dying.

Earl: Maybe for some people, though having some choice in the matter would have been nice.

Zoe: Still, you’d think that would outweigh certain other… distasteful aspects of vampirism.

Earl: Still, since you don’t know what you’re getting into here, maybe you’d like to keep your mouth shut.

Zoe: This can be arranged, but I know more than you think. No need to get snippy.

(Anna enters stage left.)

Anna: Be just a minute on the grilled cheese.

Zoe: The vegetarian grilled cheese, correct? Since the rest of us couldn’t possibly be expected to comprehend the emotional and psychological impact of eating meat.

Anna: That’s a little harsh, Zoe, even for you. Might want to scale it back before our guest starts thinking you’re a heinous bitch.

Earl: Too late.

Zoe: I’m a guest too.

Earl: I thought this was a place for people who wanted to eat alone.

Anna: You didn’t know that when you walked in.

Earl: She did.

Anna: Not sure if you’ve noticed this by now, but Zoe only likes the rules when they work for her.

Zoe: And even then it’s doubtful.

Anna: Anyway — and believe me, I do realize how strange this sounds — but I was wondering, if I could —

Zoe: Of course you can wonder. We can’t stop you.

Earl: Though you could let her ask a question uninterrupted. At least, I suspect you have that capability.

Zoe: Yes, but I choose not to use it. She wouldn’t show me the same courtesy.

Anna: She’s probably right.

Earl: Fine. Clearly I know nothing. You were saying —

Anna: Call it morbid curiosity, but I was wondering if I could ask about, you know, the whole vampire thing.

Earl: Can I not eat in peace?

Zoe: Your food’s not here yet.

Earl: Can prying into my personal life really be that interesting?

Anna: Don’t tell me if you don’t want. But yes. I’ve never met a vampire before. You must get asked about it all the time.

Earl: I don’t tend to do a lot of socializing.

Anna: And you picked us. I’m flattered. But can I ask you what it’s like?

Earl: Not socializing?

Anna: Being a vampire.

Earl: Antisocial, a little.

Zoe: We don’t even know for sure that he’s a vampire. He could be lying.

Anna: You were the one who said it was obvious.

Zoe: And you trusted me?

Anna: Good point. You’re wrong a lot.

Zoe: I’m never wrong.

Anna: We should probably try to get proof.

Earl: You know, I also admitted to the vampirism. Why ask me anything if you’re going to disbelieve my answer?

Zoe: We just met you. Why should we believe you?

Earl: Because it’s a dumb thing to lie about?

Zoe: You might be right. But if that were the case, there would be thousands of angsty little goth teenagers shrinking away from every bit of garlic they came near and physically disintegrating in the sun. Since I haven’t seen the ash piles, it must take more than saying you’re a vampire to make you one. If you’re going to convince me, I’m going to need proof.


I'm here. I like stuff. Some other stuff, I like less.

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