So, real vampires really do eat grilled cheese? Or what?

Part 8 of Real Vampires Don’t Eat Grilled Cheese. Probably this is the last or second to last part. Until I write the sequel.

LRO eastern limb lunar topographic map


Anna: That’s not very nice.

Earl: I’m not saying it to be mean, but I did need to be practical. Town drunks stumbling home from bar fights, crop circle fanatics, self-professed alien abductees living back in the woods. It was easy to make them look like accidents. And no one would believe them if they did tell.

Zoe: You were fine with this widespread bloodsucking all spring and summer?

Earl: I’ve never, not in a hundred years, been “fine” with it. But it was an evil necessary for my survival.

Anna: And in the fall?

Earl: In the fall, we had the slaughter.

Zoe: That is generally what is done with pigs. You were maybe not expecting this?

Earl: Oh, I knew we’d have to kill them, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so… grotesque. So much blood.

Anna: You’d think a vampire would be used to blood.

Earl: So what, now you don’t believe me either?

Anna: Just an observation.

Earl: Yes, I drained blood to feed, but I was always neat about it. Two little holes, and you get just as much blood as you need in a carefully controlled flow. No mess, no waste.

Zoe: People still ended up dead, didn’t they?

Earl: It’s not something I like to think about.

Anna: That’s what I don’t understand. You’re used to killing —

Earl: You never get used to killing.

Zoe: Some of us do.

Anna: You’ve done worse, so I don’t see how slaughtering a dozen pigs could turn you off blood forever, especially when it’s something you need. Sure it was messy, and I’ll bet it was gross —

Zoe: Plus, it probably smelled bad. Don’t forget that; it’s important.

Anna: Would it smell that bad to a vampire? I mean, it’s just a lot of blood.

Earl: Blood and death and pig doody. The pig doody made it especially delightful.

Anna: Point taken. I can understand why it would have turned you off blood for a little while, or why you’d have mixed feelings about feeding again. But like you said, it’s been months. Isn’t it time to get over it?

Earl: It’s not something you just “get over.” First, it wasn’t a couple dozen pigs; try a hundred. We were out under the full moon —

Anna: We?

Earl: The folks I hired on to help with the killing. Generally not smart to try slaughtering a hundred hogs on your own.

Zoe: You did this at night?

Earl: Couldn’t very well do it during the day, could I?

Anna: Didn’t they think you were… odd?

Earl: I told them I sunburn easily.

Zoe: They believed you?

Earl: They thought I was strange and a bit of a weenie, but not that I was a vampire, which is all that matters.

Anna: Why a full moon?

Zoe: Because his helpers were werewolves who needed their wolf strength for the slaughter. Or so the humans could see at night.

Earl: And we could see, much too clearly. The moon illuminated everything so that while we worked, it was in perfect, silvery detail. And these men, they’d slaughtered before, so none of it fazed them.

Zoe: I told you some get used to it.

Earl: Only they weren’t at all careful about the blood they were spilling. Maybe they didn’t want to think about it; maybe they just didn’t care. So I was the one who saw it, blood everywhere, trickling down into mud and pig carcasses, ruined, wasted.

(Earl begins to sob.)


Okay, so maybe 2 more episodes until the end. But maybe next time will be the finale!


I'm here. I like stuff. Some other stuff, I like less.

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